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George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and become furious.
He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.
He said, "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
During a publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune-teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There`s no easy way to say this, so I`ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman`s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller`s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Little Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The doc asked "What would you like to eat?"
"Worms" Little Johnny said. The doc was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupfull. Placing them on a plate, the doc said "Here they are."
"I want them fried" was the response.
The nurse took them and had them fried.
When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one.
The doc took one and in a strong voice said "Here is only one. Now eat it."
"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.
The doc swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny.
The boy began to cry. The doc asked what was now wrong.
Little Johnny said "You ate my half!"
Little Johnny needed $100 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks and nothing turned up. So he decided to write to God requesting the money.
When the postal worker seen the letter he decided to send it to the president. The president was so impressed that he told his secretary to send the boy a check for $5. He thought that would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Little Johnny was delighted with the five dollars and sat down to write a thank-you letter to God, which read as follows:
Dear God, thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed you had send it through Washington. As usual, those losers deducted $95.
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, Little Johnny is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. Little Johnny greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'
He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."
In the class room, the teacher asks. "Who destroyed Berlin's wall?"
No one of her student can answer this question. They all keep silent. Then the teacher turns her face to Little Johnny. "Johnny ?"
"No, I didn't !!!!" exclaimed Little Johnny.
"How rude you are to answer me like that !" The teacher then writes a letter to Little Johnny's father and asks him to come to her office to discuss his son's behavior.
The next morning, Little Johnny's father comes and meets the teacher in her office. The teacher tells the story to Johnny's father but to your surprise, Johnny's father responds like this : "Well, if he was the one, he would honestly tell so!"
A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, named Little Johnny, in a whisper, says, "Hello."
Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."
Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "She's busy."
Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."
Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "He's busy."
Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "The fire department."
Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."
Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "The police department."
Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."
Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"
Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're looking for me."
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