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The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
"I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us," she replied.
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Um, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"
A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.
After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."
The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
An Indian politician went to the US to visit his counterpart. When the senator invited him home for dinner, the minister was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings.
He asked, "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?"
The sentaor smiled knowingly and took him to the window.
"Can you see the river?"
"Yes"
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
"Of course", said the minister.
"10 percent", said the senator smugly.
Some time later, he had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house,the American was stunned by the huge palace the minister had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc.
"How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees," he asked.
The minister called him to the window.
"See the river over there?"
"Sure", cried the senator.
"Can you see the bridge over it?"
The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said, "No, I don't see any bridge."
"100 percent", said the minister !!
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father?" he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.
Clever Guest laughed.
"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children.
The first one says, "You know, my son, he graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard. he's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "He fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games, cricket games...."
After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling. On one occasion, he enters a herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears on the front page of a newspaper.
Guess the caption!!
Laloo, third from left!
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." replied Gita.
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita why she is an Indian.
"Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too."
The teacher is now angry.
"That's no reason", she says loudly, "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile.
"Then," says Gita, "I'd be an American."
Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone could give him an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers "If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Clinton says, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off cliff, killing everyone involved ... that would be a tragedy."
"I m afraid not," explains Clinton.
"That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
"What ?" asks Clinton, "Isn`t there anyone who can give an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful! " Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well ," says the boy, " because it wouldn t be an accident and it certainly wouldn`t be a great loss!"
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