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LITTLE JOHNY WAS NEW TO SCHOOL AND WAS LEARNING ENGLISH FOR THE FIRTS TIME.
ON HIS 1ST DAY, HE SAW 2 PEOPLE FIGHTNG. HE TRIED TO STOP THEM AND THEY SAID 'SHUT UP!'. SO HE LEARNT A NEW WORD. THEN AT HOME HE WAS WATCHING SUPERMAN. THERE HE LEARNT I AM SUPERMAN. HIS FATHER WAS TEACHING HIM SOME ETTIQUETES. HE SAID 'ALWAYS BE KIND TO LADIES AND SAY LADIES FIRST WHEN NECESSARY'. SO THE NEXT DAY, HE WENT PROUDLY TO SCHOLL THAT HE LEARNT 3 NEW THINGS. SO HIS TEACHER ASKED HIM A QUESTION AND JOHNY GOES 'SHUT UP!'. THE TEACHER GETS ANGRY AND SAYS ' WHO
DO U THINK U R?'. JOHNY SAYS ' I AM SUPERMAN'. THEN THE TEACHER SAYS 'GET OUT!!!!!'. JOHNY SAYS ' LADIES FIRST'.
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business!"
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not!" answered his mother.
"If you do," Little Johnny went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? what did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Juanita, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
The final examination for an English class was two hours long and exam booklets were provided. The teacher was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, Little Johnny came rushing in and asked the teacher for an exam booklet.
"You`re not going to have time to finish this," the teacher stated sarcastically as he handed him a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied Little Johnny.
He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the teacher called for the exams, and all the students filed up and handed them in except Johnny, who continued writing. Fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny came up to the teacher who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don`t, I`m not going to accept that. It`s late."
Little Johnny looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don`t," replied the teacher.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" Little Johnny said again.
"No, and I don`t care." replied the teacher with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied Little Johnny, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in
the middle, and walked out of the room.
The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car.
"Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.
"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya."
Ek baar Santa Gangubai ke ghar jaata hai aur darwaza knock karta hai.
Gangubai: Kaun ?
Santa: Main !
Gangubai: Main kaun?
Santa: Tu Gangubai
Santa and Banta were discussing how they would like to die.
Santa said, "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. I dont want to die screaming like some of his friends, who also died at the same time."
Banta asked, "How did his friends die screaming while your grandfather died sleeping peacefully?"
Santa replied, "His friends were the passengers in the car he was driving."
Banta went to helicopter flight training, wanting to learn to fly that day. The owner agreed to him up, and instruct him by radio. He showed him the start up, and basic procedures, and up he went. At 1000 feet, Banta radioed, "I`m doing great! I love it! I`m really getting the hang of it!"
The instructor watched him climb to over 3000 feet, then watched in horror as the helicopter began a dive and crashed nearby. He ran over and pulled him from the wreck, asking, "What happened?"
He said, "I don`t know! Everything was going fine, until I got cold and turned off that big fan."
Banta is pulled over by the same motorcycle cop who caught him earlier last month for not stopping at lights and beat him up. So Banta decides to go for a revenge this time.
Banta: Is there a problem Officer?
Cop: Sir, you were speeding.
Banta: Oh I see.
Cop: Can I see your licence please?
Banta: I`d give it to you but I don`t have one.
Cop: Don`t have one?
Banta: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Banta: I can`t do that.
Cop: Why not?
Banta: I stole this car.
Cop: Stole it?
Banta: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Cop: You what?
Banta: She`s in the trunk if you want to see.
The Cop looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! Banta steps out of his vehicle.
Banta: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Banta: Murdered the owner?
Senior Officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please.
Banta opens the trunk, revealing nothing.
Senior Officer: Is this your car sir?
Banta: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The Officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
Banta digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn`t have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Banta: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
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