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A young second generation Indian in the US was asked
by his mother to explain the significance of "Diwali"
to his younger brother, this is how he went about it...

"So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom
and people liked him.

But, like, his step-mom, or something, was kind of a
bitch, and she forced her husband to, like, send this
cool-dude, he was Ram, to some national forest or
something...

Since he was going, for like, something like more than
10 years or so.. he decided to get his wife and his
bro along...you know...so that they could all chill
out together.

But Dude, the forest was reeeeal scary ???... really
man... they had monkeys and devils and ??? like that.
But this dude, Ram, kicked #### with darts and bows and
arrows... so it was fine.

But then some bad gangsta boys, some jerk called
Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to
his hood.And boy, was our man , and also his bro,
Laxman,pissed...

And you don't piss this son-of-a-gun cuz, he just
kicks #### and like... all the gods were with him... So
anyways,you don't mess with gods.

So, Ram, and his bro get an army of monkeys..Dude,
don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys... just
go along with me, ok...So, Ram, Lax and their monkeys
whip this gangsta's #### in his own hood.

Anyways, by this time, their time's up in the
forest..and anyways...it gets kinda boring,you know...
no TV or malls or ??? like that.

So,they decided to hitch a ride backhome... and when
the people realize that our dude, his bro andthe wife
are back home... they thought, well, you know, at
least they deserve something nice... and they didn't
have any bars or clubs in those days...

So they couldn't take them out for a drink,so they,
like,decided to smoke and ???...and since they also
had some lamps, they lit the lamps also... so it was
pretty cooool...you know with all those fireworks...
Really, they even had some localband play along with
the fireworks... and you know,what, dude, that was the
very first, no kidding.., that was the very first
music-synchronized fireworks... you know, like the 4th
of July stuff,but just, more cooler and stuff, you
know.

And, so dude, that was how, like, this festival
started."

You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.
~ Unknown

Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot.
~ Unknown

There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
~ Unknown

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from many, it's research.
~ Unknown

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
~ Bob Monkhouse

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
~ Unknown

People will believe anything if you whisper it.
~ Unknown

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.
~ Patrick Murray.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'.
~ Joe Namath

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
~ Rodney Dangerfield

If it was not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
~ Amy Carmichael

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
~ Unknown

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
~ Unknown

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
~ Unknown

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money!)
~ Unknown

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
~ Yogi Berra

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
~ Leslie Nielsen

I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
~ A. A. Attanasio

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
~ Patrick Murray

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city.
~ George Burns

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
~ Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
~ George Burns

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
~ Will Rogers

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
~ Robert Frost