You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.
~ Unknown

Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot.
~ Unknown

There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
~ Unknown

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from many, it's research.
~ Unknown

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
~ Bob Monkhouse

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
~ Unknown

People will believe anything if you whisper it.
~ Unknown

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.
~ Patrick Murray.

Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'.
~ Joe Namath

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
~ Rodney Dangerfield

If it was not for Thomas Edison, we would all be watching television in the dark.
~ Amy Carmichael

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
~ Unknown

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
~ Unknown

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
~ Unknown

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money!)
~ Unknown

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
~ Yogi Berra

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
~ Leslie Nielsen

I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
~ A. A. Attanasio

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
~ Patrick Murray

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city.
~ George Burns

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
~ Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
~ George Burns

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
~ Will Rogers

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
~ Robert Frost