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☼ 10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE ☼



Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven.
But so again, are thunder and lightning.


Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say,
talk in your sleep.


Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand --
and divorce is at least 100 grand!


Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and
the neighbors listen.


Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.


Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one; the trouble starts when
they try to decide which one.


Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you
said. After marriage, he will fall asleep
before you finish.


Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good
cook. But the law allows only one wife.


Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome,
understanding, economical and a considerate
lover, but again, the law allows only
one husband.


Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries.
After that, he is finished.


Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.

But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

Newton 's Method:
 
Let, the lion catch you.
 
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction..    Implies you caught lion.
 
 
 
Einstein Method:     
 
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
 
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap it easily.
 
 
 
Software Engineer Method:
 
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
 
 
 
Indian Police Method:
 
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .
 
 
 
Rajnikanth Method :
 
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.  The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
 
 
 
Jayalalitha Method:
 
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !
 
 
 
 
Manirathnam Method (director):
 
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.
 
Keep murmuring something in its ears. The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
 
 
 
Karan Johar Method (director):
 
Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
 
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.  First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd
 
lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.You don't understand right... ok....
 
read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!
 
 
 
Yash Chopra method (director):
 
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
 
 
 
Govinda method:
 
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
 
 
 
Menaka Gandhi method:
 
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
 
 
 
George bush method:
 
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and then shoot him!!!
 
 
 
Ravi Shastri method:
 
ask the lion to bowl at u.  U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run Lion tired and surrenders ,,......

Bill Gates and Laloo's Meeting
 
 
Conversation between Bill Gates and our very own Laloo of Bihar
 
 
 

Gates : Namaskar! you must have heard of Windows.
Laloo : Oh yes! most govt. offices we have the single window clearance  concept.
 

Gates : At home have u installed Windows?
Laloo : I have removed all windows due to increased burgalaries in our  house.
 

Gates(Confused) : Then what is the system you operate on?
Laloo : OPERATION? Yes, I had a Hernia operation last month.
 

Gates(Sweating) : Hope the internet is being used a lot in India.
Laloo: Oh Yes! Due to increased mosquito problems many people are  sleeping  under the net.
 

Gates: By the year 2000 India should export computer chips.
Laloo: We are already exporting Uncle Chips.
 

Gates(Feeling very Uneasy): do you regularly use LapTops?
Laloo: My grand-child sleeps on the top of my lap.
 

Gates(Heavily Sweating): The Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh knows a  lot  about RAM and ROM.
 Laloo : RUM? Prohibition is being lifted and it will be shortly  available in  A.P..
 

 Gates(Feeling Dizzy): I would like to take your leave before my system  crashes.
 Laloo: I have exhuasted all my leave.
 

 Gates: I have no energy left, let us go out and have a bite.
 Laloo: BITE? I believe in non-violence. I will not bite.
 

 Gates: (System Crashes and Found Missing).
 "Windows is restarting.Please wait........ ....."

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair     

with  his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8  PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters  

but always talked about having a son.  

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and  delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to  see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife:  'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.  

Look  at the  two beautiful daughters I  fathered!

Have  you  been fooling around behind my back?'

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'

  

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:-

Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-

Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..



2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-

No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.



3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-

Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-

Why? Would it rather have been you?



4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-

Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-

No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.



5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:-

Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-

Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.



6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:-

Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:-

No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.



7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:-

Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:-

No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.



8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:-

Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:-

No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..





9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

Stupid Question:-

Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:-

No it wont. It will just bleed.



10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

Stupid Question:-

Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:-

Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

 
 
CREATE PROCEDURE             MyMarriage
Bride Male (25) ,            Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM   india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire'   AND   Count(Car) > 20   AND HouseStatus ='ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having  Brothers= Null   AND Sisters =Null
 
 

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalan ce FROM FatherInLaw  
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')
END
GO 

 

Then the wife writes the below query:
 
 

DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

Cool Break-up letter. & nice   moral !!!
JJJJ

A soldier
stationed in Afghanistan recently received a
letter from his
girl friend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Ricky,
I
can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too
great. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to
you.


Love, Becky

The
soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots
they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.

In
addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures
of
the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos
in
that envelope along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm
so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,

Ricky

Moral of
the story:

If
you can't change your fate, change your
attitude.

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