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  HI HI HI'S

  
  

  I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson'.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  • As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse'.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Not all man are fools, some stay bachelors.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back

 

 Conversation

 

 PROFESSOR
Gandhi Jayanti ke baray mein kya jantey ho?
MUNNA BHAI
Gandhi bahut jabardast aadmi tha, Baap. Maa Kasam, par apun ko yeh nehin malum ke yeh Jayanti kaun hai.

CIRCUIT
Bhai, Bapu ne bola tha ke kabhi jhoot nehin bolna mangta hai. Apun aaj se kabhi jhoot nehin bolega Bhai.
MUNNA BHAI
Aye Circuit, woh Sunita ka baap aya hai terayko dund rehla hai.
CIRCUIT
Bhai usko bolo apun gaon gaya hai, kheti karneko.
MUNNA BHAI
Par Circuit, abhi to tu bola kabhi jhoot nehin bolega.
CIRCUIT
Bhai, apun jhoot nehin bolega, par tum to bol sakta hai na.

MAMU
Chand toh raat ko nikalta hai, aaj din mein kaise nikal aya?
GIRL
Ullu to raat ko bolta hai, aaj din mein kaise bol pada?

CIRCUIT
Bhai, woh apnay bachpan ka dost aarehla aaj raat ko dinner pe. Mera sara chain collection apnay kamray mein chupa do na please.
MUNNABHAI
Kyun tera dost chor hai kya?
CIRCUIT
Nehin Bhai, woh apnay chain pechan lega.

MAMU
Bhai, apnay ko char mahinay mein Tamil sikhna padega. Kuch upay batao.
MUNNA BHAI
Tamil kyun, aur char mahinay ka kya chakkar hai?
MAMU
Meinay ek Tamil baccha adopt kiya hai, aur woh char mahinay mein bolne lagay ga.

PROFESSOR
Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI
Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.

MUNNA BHAI
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

Circuit takes a flight to Singapore and he is seated next to an Englishman. Circuit open his tiffin and serves himself a roti.
ENGLISHMAN
What is this?
CIRCUIT
Bread India
Circuit then open the box of jalebi.
ENGLISHMAN
What is this?
CIRCUIT
Sweet India
With all the food he hogged on, Munna farts. The Englishman is offended and in shock asks ...
ENGLISHMAN
What is that?
CIRCUIT
Air India

CIRCUIT
Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU
Nehin.
CIRCUIT
To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.

MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU
Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI
Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.

MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, tu kitna pada hai?
MAMU
B.A.
MUNNA BHAI
Sala, two akshar pada aur woh bhi ulta?

MAMU
Oye, maar gayay yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hai.
MAMU KA DOST
Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.

CIRCUIT
Oye Short Circuit yeh light bulb pe baap ka naam kya likh raha hai?
SHORT CIRCUIT
Apun baap ka naam roshan kar rehle hai.

PRINCIPAL
Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

MUNNA BHAI
Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu 

• You always know where your fingers have been
  For variety, you have ten to choose from
  They don't get tired before you do...
  You don't have to smile at them afterwards
  You don't have to get out of bed to fetch them
  Your fingers don't want to meet your family
  Your fingers don't get jealous
  Your fingers don't smell
  Your fingers won't just fall asleep afterwards
  Your fingers don't want you to meet *their* family
  You don't get jealous of your fingers
  Your fingers don't mind if you fall asleep afterwards
  Your fingers won't let you down (Snowwhite)
  Your fingers don't want to watch a football match instead
  Your mother won't critisize your fingers
  Your fingers don't need batteries
  People aren't surprised to find you have them
  Fingers don't need adaptors to covert American plugs to English ones (I've heard this can be a problem.)
  They don't shrink afterwards (Snowwhite)
  You always have them with you
  You can chew on them when you are nervous (Snowwhite)
  You can use more than 1 at a time
  They are agile
  They'll never leave you (Snowwhite)
  You don't have to make your fingers coffee in the morning (Gideon)
  You can also use them to clean the wax out of your ears (Gideon)
  They don't take up half the bed at night
  They are easy to clean
  If the ones you are using get tired, you can switch to some of the others
  They don't demand acrobatics in bed
  They don't want to try out stuff they heard from friends
  Your fingers don't give you bite-marks (Addition: unless you *like* bite-marks)
  You can share them with a friend
  Fingers don't cheat on you
  Fingers don't have hidden wifes/girlfriends/husbands/boyfriends/children
  Your fingers don't yelp when you give them bite marks
  For variety you can paint them any colour you want?
  It's not suspicious if you take them to the toilet with you
  They write your e-mail for you
  They're compatible with a wide range of leather goods and electrical appliances
  No one ever fell in love with their fingers
  They'll change the video channel for you
  You can use them to write down your fantasy and share it with people
  They won't ask: Am I the first?
  They don't snore, fart, burp or have smelly breath
  They don't care if your hair is a mess
  You don't have to tell them how you'd like it
  They don't brag how great they are
  They don't cost you time, money or patience
  They don't want to know where you were last evening
  Your friends don't criticise them
  Their friends don't criticise you (fingers don't *have* friends)
  Afterwards, they won't ask: 'Did you come?' (Eva T.)
  They're useful for scooping up nutella, chocolate, lube (take your pick) and smearing it in the appropriate places... (Claire)
  Fingers don't ask who you are fantasizing about (Cher)
  They don't have STDs (Mona)
  Fingers are more sensitive to what you are feeling (LP)
  Unlike zucchinis, you don't have to bring them to room temperature (tyree)
  You won't be crushed underneath them in bed (Che & Wes)
  They come in varing sizes - thumb to pinkie, or any combination thereof, it's up to you (Che & Wes)
  There're extremely gentlemanly - they'll open doors for you, pull your chair out, and even cook you dinner! (Che & Wes)
  You don't have to worry wether or not they wont come back after a goodnight (Jessy

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