HI HI HI'S

I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.

• Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

• My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson'.

• Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

• In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

• My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

• Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'.

• The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

• The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

• As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

• I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

• What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse'.

• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

• Not all man are fools, some stay bachelors.

• Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

• Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back