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Eye to Eye hat did the right eye say to the left eye? Just between you and me. Something smells.
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. ''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!'' The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.'' To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop. the little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
Yo' mama so fat she has to call Sherwin-Williams to paint her toenails!
a girl was standing talking to her friends when one of them said “why have you got a tampon behind your ear?” and she responded “s***! then where did i put my cigarette?”
'There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in. The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.'' The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.'' It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator...'''
1)In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, ''I'm on fire!'' Roll around vigorously. 2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible. 3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night. 4) Talk in a strong English accent. 5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, ''Aren't you glad I decided to come today?'' 6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and scream, ''I win!'' 7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, ''Mmm, never seen that shape before.'' 8) ''But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!'' 9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along. 10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (''Sheesh, so America won the Revolutionary War?''). 11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar. 12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out. 13) ''I was never told there was going to be a test.'' 14) Bring your pet goldfish. 15) Throw chalks at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it breaks into. 16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything. 17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your hands behind your head. 18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, ''No I will not have sex with you!'' 19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids. 20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.
Q: Why didn't the Skeleton climb the mountain? A: Because he didn't have the gluts.
The three latest stupid technological discoveries: 1.) Solar powered flashlights. 2.) Inflatable dartboards. 3.) Helicopter ejection seats.
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