The Characteristics of an Ideal Wife
Considering the importance of marriage, it was natural for jurists to
describe the favourite characteristics of the wife carefully, so that the ideal
goals of marriage, as they view them, should be achieved. These desirable
characteristics that a wife should possess could be summed up as follows:
1. The woman should be less in age than the man, so that she should not age
quickly and be unable to conceive. She should be less in esteem, power, honour,
and money since men are to support women (Sura al-Nisa´ 4:34) and protect
them. We read in narrated traditions of Muhammad that he said, "A woman is
married for four things, i.e. her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her
religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a
loser."(1)
"Do not marry women off for their comeliness; their comeliness may lead
them to perdition. Do not marry them off for their possessions; their
possessions may lead them to domineer. Marry them for their religion. A black,
believing slave is better than a beautiful free women who does not believe."(2) The
woman should not be tall or gaunt, short or ugly, or have bad manners. She
should not be old or have a child from a previous marriage. She should not be a
slave if the man can marry a free woman.(3)
Al-Jaziri, however, keeps silent on the issue of the good characteristics a man
should possess in order for him to be an ideal husband for his wife!
A younger wife is the tradition (sunna) of Muhammad. "The Messenger of
God married me when I was seven years old" `A´isha said, (Sulaiman
says six), "and consummated the marriage with me when I was nine years old."(4)
Muhammad died when she was eighteen years old.(5)
Muhammad's marriage with `A´isha has always been a problem for the jurists,
for they do not unanimously agree on the marriageable age of the girl:
Concerning the issue of consummating the marriage with [a girl under age],
it was said that she should not be slept with before she attains puberty, but it
was said in al-Bahr al-ra´iq that she can be slept with at the age of nine.
The majority of Imams are of the opinion that the issue of age plays no role in
this respect, and that the criterion is that the woman should be physically fit
and big enough to accommodate men, and consequently there would be no fear that
she would get sick if she is copulated with, even if she has not reached the age
of nine. But if she is thin or gaunt and cannot bear sex, and is in danger of
getting sick, her husband is not allowed to sleep with her, even if she is of
age- this is the sound opinion."(6)
In a book entitled al-Furu` we read the following, "The best state for
a woman is between the age of fourteen and twenty. Her maturity is made perfect
at thirty, and she stops at forty, and declines after that."(7)
2. Besides youth, she should preferably be a virgin. Muhammad said, "Seek
virgins; they are sweeter of mouth, have more productive wombs and can be
contented with the least."(8) When Jabir told him he married a matron, he said to
him, "Why not a virgin that you should play with her?"(9) This
inequality between the virgin and the matron also manifests itself through
Muhammad's own treatment of his wives. Anas Ibn Malik narrated, "If
Muhammad marries a virgin he stays with her seven days. If he marries a matron
he stays with her three days. This is the tradition."(10)
Marrying a matron is permissible if a man is in need of doing so; for example if
he has children who need to be raised up by someone who is used to raising up
children, or if he is old to a degree that puts a young virgin off and thus
intimacy between them will not endure.(11)
3. The jurists not only touched upon the qualities an ideal wife should
possess, but went so far as to list the offensive characteristics and faults she
should not have. Man's defects that forbid or abolish his marriage are basically
these three: madness, castration, and incontinence. Yet woman's defects are
enumerated and accounted for in detail. The main defections of woman are seven:
madness, elephantiasis, leprosy, cornu, breathing difficulties, and lameness.
Madness is the corruption of mind to the extent that one's decisions becomes
erratic owing to passing incapacity and not due to fainting bouts, in which
one's decision-making remains the same.
Elephantiasis is the disease that causes stiffening of the organs and
rending of the flesh. It is not the same as losing energy, having nodes in the
face or roundness of the eyes.(12)
Leprosy is white spots that appear on the surface of the body due to the
domination of phlegm.
Cornu is a bony protrusion in the vagina that prevents sex. But if it does
not prevent sex, marriage may not be dissolved because there is still a
possibility of enjoyment, but it is also acceptable to dissolve marriage because
of it in keeping with the outward meaning of the tradition.
Lameness is still debatable whether it could be included among the causes of
divorce; but it is certain that it dissolves marriage in case it makes the woman
an invalid.
According to some, blockage of the vagina is one of the defects that involve
divorce. This may be correct if it prevents sex to start with, as it deprives
[the man] of enjoyment when it is impossible to remove it, or when it is
possible but [the woman] refuses to submit to medication.
There are no other defects that a woman can have apart from these seven.(13)
In another tradition, Muhammad said to Umm Salim as she was looking at a
certain woman, "Smell her shoulders and take a look at her heels."(14)
4. Beauty is a quality that should not be neglected when looking for a wife.
A weak tradition teaches us that looking at a beautiful woman sharpens and
strengthens eyesight.(15)
As mentioned previously, man marries a woman for either of three things: for
her beauty, her family status,(16) or for her religion.(17)
`A´isha narrated, "The Messenger of God betrothed a woman from
Kalb [tribe]. He sent me to look at her, and asked me, 'How did you see her?' I
said, 'I saw no use in her.' He replied, 'I saw a mole on her cheek that caused
each of your hairs to stand on end.' I said, 'There is no secret hidden from
you.' "(18)
5. It is also agreeable that her bridal gift should be appropriate. Muhammad
said, "The marriage that has the greatest blessing is the one that is
suitable to provide for."(19)
6. Yet being "fertile" is the most important quality a woman must
have. Ma`qil Ibn Yasar narrated, "A man came to the Prophet and said, 'I
fell in love with a woman of great beauty and family status; but she does not
conceive, shall I marry her?' He replied, 'No.' The man came to him again, and
the Prophet forbade him. He came to him a third time, so the Prophet said,
`Marry the amiable, fertile one; for I will vie the nations in number by you.' "(20)
Al-Jaziri says, "It is better that she [the wife] be fertile; because a
barren one cannot carry out the function of reproduction which is necessary for
human society."(21)
We conclude this chapter by quoting the first benefit of marriage that occurs
in Ihya´ `ulum al-din:
Children: They are the original purpose of marriage for which it has been
established, and it is for perpetuating offspring so that the world would not be
empty of mankind. Lust, however, was created as a stimulating motivation, as is
the case with male animals in the production of seed, and the female ones that
make cultivation possible. Thus they are gently led to produce a brood through
copulation. The same principle is used in scattering grain, which birds lust
after, in order to trap them into the net. The eternal power [of God] was not
incapable of forging people afresh without cultivation or copulation, but Wisdom
required that effects should be dependant on causes, though these causes can be
done without, so the power [of God] should be manifest, the wonders of His
creation should be made complete, and to accomplish the foreordained purposes of
[divine] will. It is a safeguard from the calamities of lust, in that none of
them wished to meet God unmarried. In the achievement of offspring, there are
four aspects of closeness: The first is being in agreement with the love of God
by achieving offspring to preserve mankind. The second is seeking the love of
the Messenger of God by increasing the cause of his boasting. The third is
seeking the blessing of one's good offspring after one dies. The fourth is
seeking intercession by the death of a young child, in case this child dies
before his father.(22)
